Loaded and Loud

Posted: June 28, 2012 in Free Styling
Tags: , ,

Sorry guys, I’ve had a lot on my mind. This has been kind of a rough month to be a member of my family. My Grandaddy has been in the hospital once after a fall. My Mamaw has been in the hospital twice with lower back problems. Most recently my Dad has been in the hospital with some severe gastrointestinal issues.

I’m glad to say that at the moment, my Dad is at home recovering from his procedures, my Mamaw had lower back surgery and already feels loads better, and even though the situation with my Grandaddy is a day to day fluctuation, for the past few days he’s been pretty good.

A number of my other friends and family have also been having some personal issues that they’re trying to work through. It’s been a struggle to stretch myself so thin. My friends and family need me though…they need me to be strong when they’re not, they need me be resourceful when theirs are limited, and they need me to be vocal when they’ve lost the words to speak. I’m not without my limits though. Fortunately for me, I haven’t yet found that line where my limits break. It’s gonna be bad when I do though, because I think once it happens, it won’t be in any kind of graceful manner.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been a selfish type of person, but it would be nice to turn my mind off for a while and take a break.

I’ve never been able to do that though…turn my mind off. My Mom told me once that there is a constant level of noise in my life. I don’t know if I could have ever put it better myself. I always have noise. There’s always music, TV, a movie…I leave the TV on when I go to bed to keep my mind occupied, I’ve even got a movie on in the background right now, while I’m writing this. I don’t know how to quiet down my life, and I don’t just mean physical noise. It took me an hour to figure out what to go do for lunch today, because I kept getting distracted, and my racing…occupied with other things.

I’ve been trying my hand at meditation over the past several months, with mixed results. I’m told it’s good problem solving, resolution, focus, and getting closer to God…among other things. One of the most important things in the art of meditation is being able to clear one’s mind. Actively trying to tell your mind to shut the hell up is no easy task. I’ve thought about certain drugs and booze to try and shut my mind down…but I don’t want to hazy, or numb…I just want to know what it feels like to truly experience that sense of calm.

I’m getting better at it, but this month…it’s been impossible to shut out everything, especially with being needed so much.
Please though, don’t think that because I’m saying this, that I don’t want to be there for y’all. I’d much rather be out there helping everyone out, than trying to only serve myself. Just needed to vent a little today. It’s easy to overheat on days like today.

I’m not done yet, and I’m proud that I don’t know my limits yet. That’s just that much farther that I can push myself. My friends and family know that I’ll always be there to help, and that I’m still well in my ability to do so.

Keep your heads up, your minds sharp, and your hearts open.

– The Outlaw


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